Sunday, June 27, 2010


This head of mine typically gets me in trouble due to an abundance of over analyzing as well as over thinking. In order to achieve peace of mind in this (fucking) city, I formed a future path to reach, I think, the ultimate goal. A path of any sort never seemed to be in my repertoire of tricks for coping. Au contraire! All the planning freaks me out even more. Setting points to hit in the next three years just makes me more aware of my inability to deal with anything that changes my ideal future. And this is in addition to convincing myself that I'm living too much in the future and not the present...or some hippie shit like that.

You're right. Not as usual, but when it counts.

I pull unfortunate moves in this state. In an attempt to create some day-to-day presence of life, liberty and the pursuit of happiness, I push at the boundaries and dabble in selected vices too much (which generally ends in unhealthy, cocksure posturing or the fetal position.) I guess, that at points, being so self-aware of your faults and fuck-ups is a gift (though those with said gift would agree that it is indeed also a burden.) I recognize when I'm fucking up and crossing the line. This awareness paired with an innate stubbornness to take care of myself as well as a fear of revealing "secrets" to all but a very closely held handful...

It's a mess at times.


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