Sunday, January 02, 2011

you don't say.

I need a partner in lamenting.

I suppose I do well...that my life is pretty awesome, all things considered. When I remind myself to step back, I am aware of the good shit and the not-so-good shit. I'm still talented, relatively young, and mostly loved. If anything, my time away from Austin forced me to reckon with my negative side. Maybe like a "to hell and back" experience. In all honesty, the phrase "escape from New York" pops up often in my psyche. Per the drunken resolution of my NYE, I'm gonna get the fuck out of New York this year. The whole No Fucking Around/Shake Shit Up philosophy requires a sailor's mouth. Fuck denying happiness. Fuck the bullshit. Fuck NYC.

Growing up away from what I knew became a catalyst to get what I wanted. And while I still struggle to make my life what I need it to be, I am doing it. For all the complaints, the severe depression, frustration and weeping, I can finally make the oh so cliche statement I AM STRONGER NOW. But I sure as hell miss my friends.

It has only gotten harder to see Austin change, to recognize that even while I dealt with the tough shit in my new life, other people had their own lives to tend to. As time passes, my anxiety heightens when I realize that even though I pine often and severely for some of these people, I'm still in the distance. I am far away. I've wished I wasn't more times than I admit. But, as friend forever said tonight, I can't regret the choices I made. And it's true. That shit is over and done with. Life is short, obvi. We all know it, because it's true as well. I just hope I made the right decisions. Or more aptly, I hope to respect that decision.


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